This is for the new moms

Ah yes, it's Mother's Day soon. I myself am not a big fan of the holiday. Why one day? With the amount of shit mothers do EVERY DAY we should be put on a pedestal and carried around forever. But I digress. So many of my friends have had babies this year. Obviously 2011 was a slow time. That said I thought since I have been there and done that with my 20 year old son, I will pass along some words of wisdom. Yes you may call me Momma Yoda.
#1 Don't worry about where your baby/toddler is going to go to school. By the time he or she is old enough, you won't be able to afford it. And at the rate we are going electronically, everyone will be homeschooled in the future.
#2 FOR GOD'S SAKE, Stop wasting money on classes. Yes ANYTHING music, art, dance, sports. Parents we do this for 2 reasons. One is to live vicariously through the child (Yeah I know, you could've been the next Jeter, Picasso, Springsteen if ONLY your parents trained you.) Two, we all need a reason to get the fuck out of the house every once in awhile. Hire a sitter, go to the movies, see a play. Save the money for when you can't afford school. (See above)
#3 Spend quality time with your kid. Simple yet so true. The best memories I have with Layne include our drive to elementary school every morning. We'd talk, listen to music or just drive. It was magical. So much so that when our neighbors wanted to carpool I had to decline. I was then forever known in the neighborhood as Bitch Mom. And before you say it, yeah I still am.
#4 LOVE THEM and realize that no matter what you do, your child will become the person they are supposed to be. It's explains why Barack Obama became president and why Donald Trump became well Donald Trump. Still so many times I think to myself, what could I have done differently to help him along. Make him happy forever. Sadly life isn't happy ever after. Damn fairytales!

You know what I did EVERYTHING, I was THAT mom. PTA, Little League, barbeques. From the moment the bell rang on Friday till Sunday evening there were kids at my house EVERYWHERE. I squeezed so many straws into juiceboxes I should be sent a lifetime supply. Now I look back at the whirlwind that is raising kids and think, how did we all get out of that in one piece? As I deal with an adult son and my friends deal with their little ones I pine for the days when he was small. I miss it yes, glad it's over absofuckinlutely.

And now he's 20

I have always blogged about my son's birthdays. Something about the passing of another year with him makes me reevaluate my own life. Fuck New Years, here's when I reassess. I have a child now who is in his third decade and yet I still look at him as a little boy. Just yesterday he was reaching for me, now I'm reaching for him. How did this happen? Oh yeah, I blinked.
A good friend of mine just had a baby and while I'm thrilled for her I realized THAT part of my life is over.
All the boo-boos, all the little league games, all the school projects gone, just like that. No warning at all. I loved being "that mom". The one who had the kids over, who ran the school functions, who baked the brownies. God I loved making brownies.
I have had to readjust my life again. And just like a whiny toddler, I don't wanna. I was so wrapped up in my son's life that I never prepared for the inevitable. He's an adult, he has his own life. It takes every power of my being not to hold onto to his leg as he leaves every day to live his life. I'm lucky, at the moment he is still living at home but it's only a matter of time before he's on his own. So to my friend who just had a baby and all my friends with little ones, hold em tight but loosen your grip slowly. That way it may not hurt as bad. And when it eventually happens to you, come on over, I'll make brownies.

So Long 2011 and Good Riddance! By Carole Montgomery AKA NationalMOM

It’s almost New Year’s and it’s been a challenging year to say the least. New
year’s eve is the night we are so hopeful, so full of not knowing what is going to kick our
ass in the coming year. And then there are the amateur drunks, LOTS OF THEM
coupled with the billion tourists who MUST SEE THE BALL DROP. Hey midwesterners,
it’s a fuckin glass ball. I live in midtown Manhattan with a direct view of the ball drop. It’s
gotten so bad, they start closing off my street to traffic at 6 PM. My husband and I flee
town faster than Lindsay Lohan dropped her clothes for Playboy. AND we can handle
our alcohol.
I always work NYE with one stipulation. I am offstage BEFORE midnight.
Nothing is worse then counting down to the new year holding a cheap noisemaker
and a cheaper glass of champagne onstage while trying to do your act. Especially if
you’re in the middle of it when the clock strikes twelve. I might as well stand there
naked to get their attention at that point and really, I don’t want to do that to anyone!
Then all hell breaks lose, “We MUST have a good time or 2012 will suck!” is
the mantra. The drinking toasts begin and go on and on. Kissing someone as the ball
drops is a beautiful thing. That said, kissing the porcelain god should NOT be one of
your resolutions.
And lo and behold, the new year begins. “This will be a better year”
becomes the rallying cry. “I’m gonna change, lose weight, stop smoking”. Somewhere
around January 5 we go back to who we were just a scant week ago. Cause in the end,
we’re just human. And NYE is just another day.

Happy Mothers Day

I was not the type of woman that grew up wanting children. I was a child of the 70's feminist movement. I knew I could have it ALL but mostly I just wanted a career. When and IF I had a child it was going to be on MY terms and not societies. I had been married for 7 years, had just done a shitload of tv shows as a comedian when Io and behold I was late getting my BFF. Now understand this, I was ALWAYS TERRIFIED of getting pregnant, I used to put in a diaphragm, foam and make my husband wear 2 condoms. But here I was, working a comedy club up in Seattle and I was feeling funny, not standup funny, body funny. I went to the drugstore to get the home pregnancy test and went back to the comedy condo to use it. These were in the early days when the test would be pink if you were or white if you weren't. Well for the life of me I couldn't figure out what color it was. My friend and I spent the ENTIRE day going back and forth. Is it pink, looks like it, nope, yep, etc. That night I went onstage and let's just say I realized I was NOT pregnant.

You know what? I got sad. When I got home my husband and I started to try for real. He was thrilled, unprotected sex for months! I got pregnant immediately. At my parent's apartment. I kid you not. My mother walked in asking if we wanted bagels in the morning. She had NO CLUE what was conspiring under those covers or so she said......This time I got a BETTER home pregnancy test and yessir I was preggers. Having my son Layne blindsided me, I fell in love with him the moment I awoke from my drugged stupor. I fell into motherhood so easy I shoulda been catholic. My whole life was consumed by this little bundle of flesh. As he grew up I was there all the time, taking him to playdates, making sure he got to school, kissing his booboos away. Hell I even moved to Las Vegas so he could have some semblance of a normal life. Yeah, his mom worked in topless burlesque shows as the comic and was vice-president of the PTA, REAL NORMAL.

We grew very close, still are to this day. But at some point you realize that well, they need to be on their own, regardless of your relationship. Letting go of my son was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I am a typical jewish mother so to NOT be clinging to him every waking moment is a huge step for me. But I knew that it was time. Just before he turned 18 in 2010, I was asked to go overseas to perform for our military in Kuwait and Iraq. I had been asked numerous times but always wanted to wait till he was older. The flight over was 13 hours and when we got there our American phones would not work. It was the first time I didn't hear his voice for 3 DAYS! We got to "talk" online but I didn't speak to him until I got to the hotel in Iraq and was able to use a free military phone. When I finally did talk to him, he wouldn't stop! We had a 15 minute time limit and I was the one who to say I had to go. By the way, you ever want your teenager to talk to you, go work in a warzone! What did the trip teach me?

Well he was just fine without me hovering all the time and yes it freed me up to do things I wanted to do. I just had to figure out what the hell THAT was. 2011 seems to be the year of teaching me to let go. Of my son, of my past, of my stuff. When all you know is what surrounds you, it's very hard to venture out into the unknown. And so I've let go. And it's tough. I haven't had to deal with ME for almost 20 years. Kids are a GREAT diversion. And then if you've done a good job they go onto their own lives. And if you've done a GREAT job they actually call you once in awhile to ask your advice. I remember when I was in my 20's I called my mom for advice and she said " Carole, no matter what I tell you to do, you're gonna do what you want anyway" And that's the way it should be. Happy Mother's Day.

National Mom: Just Like my Dad!

Growing up my father was larger than life. He spoke loud, he drank loud. He did his entire life loud. By trade my dad was a teacher, during the summer vacations he worked as a bartender in the Catskill Mountains. On the side he was a bookie, but that's a WHOLE other column. For so many summer days I would watch him set up the bar in the afternoon. In would walk some of the comedy greats, Rodney Dangerfield, Jackie Mason, Totie Fields. They were there to do their soundcheck. Is it a wonder I feel so at home in a bar? That I became a comedian myself? I wanted to be just like him (many would say I am).

I remember when I was just a little girl, I would sit and watch him shave every morning. The shaking of the shaving cream can, filling the sink with water, getting out his razor. The sound of the razor against his skin, the dipping of the razor in the water, then the tapping. How I so wanted to be him.

One morning I asked him if I could shave with him and lo and behold he said yes. Quite the odd request from a girl. I'm sure he was thinking of the therapy bills coming down the pike. I stood next to him on the toilet bowl lid and put shaving cream on my face and with a toothbrush followed everything my dad did. Even patted my self down with what I will assume was old spice and, off to school! I went smelling like my dad, but beaming.

I got so much of who I am from my dad, especially my sense of humor. My dad could tell a joke! Laughing was something we always shared and I would learn to share as I grew up. We would watch I Love Lucy during dinner, Abbot and Costello on Sundays before football and my beloved Marx Brothers whenever their movies showed on tv. I can still remember me and my dad on our family vacation in Europe repeating lines from Go West as we walked down cobblestone streets.

My dad is 81 now, his step a little slower, his mind a little weaker. It's easy to get frustrated with him as I still move at the speed of sound. He's still loud but that's because his hearing is going. That's what the sadness of aging is, you remember the young and vibrant person you once were as you look in the mirror and see someone who is breaking down. It's what happens, it's life. I do worry about him. When the time will come when he can't do for himself, what then? One thing for sure, I got dibs on giving him a shave.

COOL MA

When my son was younger I would do anything to make him happy. It was my life's mission to prove how cool a mom I was. I'm not sure why I had this need, but every year it seemed to be more urgent. I was big on doing what other moms wouldn't. Hell I worked in 2 different TOPLESS Las Vegas shows, I win on that credit alone everytime. I am fearless in life, when it comes to my son I am Superman. My son today is an accomplished musician and writer, when he was young he just loved music. Anytime we could take him to see a rock concert that was all ages, my husband and I would try to get tickets. He saw Joe Walsh at age 4, Chumbawumba at 6, Everclear at 10. Here's what type of mom I am. We got the tickets to Everclear but were seated in the balcony. My son was able to sneak to the front of the balcony cause he was 10 and adorable. Just before Everclear does their last number the lead singer Art announces that they will take fans onstage to dance with them for the last number. I look at my son, he is raising his hand cause he thinks like a student and was waiting to get picked. Now I see this and know, there's NO WAY they're gonna see him so I run and grab him and we start running down the backstairs to get to the floor of the club. Of course in my haste I'd forgotten we were at a ROCK CONCERT WITH EVERCLEAR. No one was budging, everyone was pushing to get to the front and not letting us through. Now you know how we moms are, I start pushing my way through crowds of drunk, tattooed, pierced men to get to the front and give my son his moment. I'm getting elbowed and body slammed left and right. Finally I said to this humongous creature, "Do I look like I want to go onstage with Art?" The guy turns around and sees Layne and then the coolest thing happened. He goes "Yo, little dude, c'mon!" And he makes a path for him to get to the front. Of course Art is now saying no more people please. Layne is heartbroken. All of a sudden, everyone in the front starts pointing to my son. At that moment Art nods and they lift him up to get onstage with his favorite band. Layne still says it's one of his favorite memories. The kicker is as we were leaving the show, he went to the bathroom by himself. I figured at 10 he didn't want to go into the ladies room so I always would time him. 3 minutes and he's not out, I'm going in. Well he walks out talking to an older guy and I run over to him terrified. The guy says to me " I was just a the concert, he's a cool kid. When he gets old enough, I wanna give him is first tattoo" And he gives me his card and walks away. And that's why I'm a cool ma.

SATURDAY IN TUCSON

When I launched National Mom in 2010, I was hoping to raise awareness to the constant bickering that seemed to be going on in our fine country. "Everyone is right, no one is to blame, I'll just yell louder" And now this. 20 people shot, 6 people dead including a child. How's that anger working out for you……EVERYONE? Now in the weeks to come there will be blame from the left and blame from the right. Already the right is calling the shooter a liberal who didn't agree with Gifford's views . Umm she's a DEMOCRAT or have you all forgotten that? And the left is blaming Sarah Palin. Did she put the gun in his hand? Absolutely not. Did the map with targets over certain congress members have something to do with it? Probably not, but it does make me wonder why all of Sarah's yee haw tweets have been mysteriously scrubbed. Is she finally getting a conscience? Nope, someone on her team realized that after the incident, it may be on poor taste to keep it up there. The excuse of course is that it should've been taken down long ago. Yet it stayed up and NOW it gets taken down. But enough on her, people know how I feel about that subject.
Here's the point, SIX PEOPLE DIED. Why is it that whenever we disagree, all this rage comes spewing out. On twitter I watched people go off on each other in the most brutal way possible, everyone FORGETTING the severity of the situation. As someone who lost a family member to violence, I can tell you that it is something you never get over. You are always looking over your shoulder wondering who the next crazy person is. The families of the people killed are in such horrific pain. Can't ANYONE have a civil disagreement anymore? You know being able to disagree is one of the great things about this country, so is being able to own a gun. How sad that instead of bonding together we are all fighting and yelling to see who gets out on top. Once again, no one is taking responsiblity but blaming the other side. How fucking 10 years old of you!
I wonder what will happen if one day there really is a war on our beloved USA land, will we fight together or throw each other in harms way? Sadly I think I know the answer.